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we live so much inside or heads, our head space makes up most of our lives. I wish I could show the way, or could have been shown the way, as we are so used to in this society, but the fact is these matters are cast aside and uncharted for the ones to whom it should matter the most - the young. which makes it a journey so intensely personal unlike any other facet of life we know. if there was one thing in my life i had to figure out on my own, it was this.

time will dull the feeling of your fingers and blur the edges of your face, i'm sure

i could tell myself to just get the damn degree first because yes my qualifications aren't what will define me, or whatever happens after. right. it's just three more years, for something that will open doors and i am honestly thankful for. but every waking moment is difficult. when each passing day is a struggle, god, three years seems impossible. how many more times am i going to have to pop a xanax just because i started thinking about my future. how many more nights will i cry myself to sleep?

came off antidepressants and overcame withdrawal

listen to my heart sing

i thought i would get better. but i'm just being kept on one end of either feeling nothing or feeling despair. the more days pass the more hollowed out i feel, still further from the person who loved unquestioning. of course, travelling through time is impossible. what was i thinking.

i couldn't get these sounds out of my head, my heart began to race. tremors. i wondered what was happening, chest tightened, thought it was a heart attack. paralysed by fear, eyes locked on the window, thinking if i let myself move i'd end my life. felt like i couldn't control my self, my mind. for those few minutes i was convinced i was about to die. just snap shut. i imagined my mother finding me stark. she would wonder why i'm not in the living hall, waiting to leave. she would knock on my door to find no response. she would come in to find me limp and lifeless. i fought to keep my eyes wide open, for fear that if i shut them they would never open again. fear. immense fear. i don't know how to put into words.

the attack went away and i just started crying. after it goes there's a different kind of fear; that of the experience coming back. the sheer terror. i was so so afraid. couldn't sleep for the rest of the night, couldn't even keep my eyes closed for any longer than a couple of minutes. that fear, it follows you around. you take it on the bus. you take it to class. you take it with every step. the mere prospect of it, that brief moment where you lose all grip of reality. i was afraid of my mind. i still am.

it's crazy how music transports you to different places in time... this album will always bring me back to 2011, sitting alone in the national library amongst the strangers trying to make sense of h2 maths (i remember this somehow) with my mind at the brink, i don't know how you can get through what i have gone through and ever again feel like you are not alone, when is one ever not alone, i can't see it