∅

i've never been more focused on moving forward and disregarding all else, so brisk in deciding what to hold on to and what was deadweight all along. i actually feel pretty free having shaken all of that off my back.

sure, it had its highs. credit where it's due. but all in all, adolescence has been awfully dreary, especially now when it just seems to me a cycle that repeats itself. different people playing the same roles. school now is the same as school was five years ago, peers now are the same as peers were five years ago, et cetera...

there are times when i find comfort in familiarity, but all of this had me grinding my teeth from the very beginning, which puts the idea of familiarity in a completely different light. when there is nothing pleasing about the subject, the dread created from having it presented to you over and over easily overrides any comfort that may arise from mere familiarity. knowing what's coming isn't enough. come to think of it, in the case of school life as i have known it for too long now, it's actually rather off-putting.

i can't predict the future. i can't say if uni is going to be different, if i am going to experience groundbreaking change in my perspective and my position relative to my peers. but it's a possibility that gets me through this last and crucial stage of my general cert education. even though i feel like i'm wading with scrambled limbs through mud.

might just be the carrot at the end of the stick though. who knows.



ironic how i feel like the older i grow, the less i understand. i guess it would make sense to assert that i've just been exposed to more that i haven't had the luxury of comprehending instinctively, unlike distinguishing blue from red. but in retrospect it was nice feeling like i had the entire world in the palm of my hand.

ignorance is bliss, no?

i guess, yeah, i do know a whole lot more now than before. but for every thing you figure out, there's so much you realise you can't do the same for. thinking in terms of proportion, i suppose this is why the longer i exist the more of a fucking retard i find i am.

pickle.