∅

"do you find that weird [that i'm thinking of marrying her,] at this age?"

"i don't know, but i don't think you should. i try not to ever picture a future for myself.. it gets you so idealistic and hopeful and it's difficult not to get carried away and forget that these whims are not real, to assume that this is how things will go. eventually you find that things haven't turned out the way you've dreamed and imagined. i don't like these feelings of disappointment and loss. so i try not to create those expectations and assumptions."

"you weren't always like this, colleen."

-

i'm having trouble giving up the nights. it's conversations like the above, over a couple of cigarettes, with people who truly care about me, that remind me that the nights are who i am and there is no other time when i feel most like myself. i require the sense of stillness to feel calm, like my surroundings have settled and so can my mind.

cheesy at this sounds, giving that up might kill me inside.

i want a cat.