∅

our conversation made me think about how secondary school was for me and realise that who i am and what i believe in today is largely shaped by the abandonment that set the tone of those 'precious' growing up years for me. as those around me were making friends i was losing them. in those few years i felt hurt more than i felt anything else, and i guess growing up that way turns you into a really fucked up person. trivial and childish as it seems i've come to realise those experiences and the accompanying emotions were pivotal in my becoming. all i see in other people is how separate they are from myself, and somewhere along the line that instinct of being a part of someone's life and vice versa dried out. it was that that sent me spiralling inwards, channelling all my thoughts and emotions inwards. i've had people be frustrated with me because they felt they couldn't get in there. and trust me i've been frustrated with myself for not being able to put myself out there either. it's not a choice. i just don't have that ability anymore. existing outside of my own mind is beyond me.

that first event wasn't the last of it. i've been abandoned by so many over the years and that's all i am able to expect of anyone now. i've ceased to find significant value in relationships, firstly because they won't even last and secondly because i can barely relate to anyone anyway. when i find myself thinking about it i feel so utterly alone.

maybe i was too sensitive, or too averse to change, i don't know. i don't know how i can think i can feel too much while i don't feel anything at all.