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i feel like i am giving up a lot for my family to be happy, or at least the closest to happy possible given the circumstances. i guess there came a certain point in time when i concluded that my own passions and interest would never be sufficient to amount to anything, and since then all i've ever wanted to focus on was giving back. it's only right to ensure that they enjoy what they have worked for for me, i feel. as long as i achieve that i am content.

but i am beginning to consider the possibility that there is a line that can be crossed. there are things i'd like to do for myself, the ideas of which i pushed aside because pursuing them would make me less than the best for my parents. but could i possibly be giving up too much? where lies the balance? definitely, i want to be able to live on my own for a bit in the near future, finally get a chance to be alone and figure myself out. however i decided against that for fear of my parents being lonely at home, what with dealing with their rocky relationship while both kids are staying in school.

for the longest time i've told myself i'm going to be in singapore forever, although it's a dream to migrate or at least live abroad for a while, since it was made clear some years ago that my brother has every intention to pursue this dream.

while it's a shame to sacrifice these small ideals i could never leave them, or bear any slight discomfort on their part, knowing all that they've done for me. yes, i have my dreams. but i could never let that happen.

at times i recognise, that i am just giving and giving and giving. sometimes i resent that i have to be the one considering all of this and bearing the full burden of these concerns despite being the younger, no doubt i resent the experiences i'm passing up on while my brother's grabbing life by the horns and juicing every bit of life he can out of uni. for all my worries i do not have that opportunity.

but in any case none of it would change. i couldn't do that.

too much? i don't know.