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i'm not sure why i'm awake right now; of late i haven't been having much trouble sleeping. but i went to bed two hours ago and look where i am.

of course i didn't expect peachy to last though perhaps i'd thought it might have stuck around for a bit longer. trying my best to take it all in good stride and to be strong, which i sometimes like to think i am, given all that i have been through over the years, being one fond of reflecting on the past. yes, through the troubles there is always learning, and who is to say the learning will ever end. in that light i am able to accept the distress that comes with disturbances in balance

recent events have led me to realise that i think a lot clearer in retrospect. perhaps that is the only way i can think at all. how can you reflect on something when you haven't been able to observe it from the outside looking in.. i don't know... the pressure really gets to me. in those moments i have nothing to offer but a deafening silence. i am sorry.



i was listening as you put a song together, very aware of my envy. because everything i have felt i have never been able to express. some, like you, have music, or writing, drawing, painting, what have you, but i have never found an appropriate medium for myself. hell, i can't even speak when i need to. i do not write as much as i find the words to fit my thoughts, like a carefully formulated equation, and that was never enough. i could never express what i am in any form. everybody has their issues, and this is mine.



i don't know how not to be myself, or i don't know how to be good for you while maintaining my self, i don't know where that fine line is, i can barely see it, i don't know how to try in a way that you can see, i am confused and lost and how can i be there for you when i can't even place myself

i feel like i bring more pain than joy to every one involved with me



i am really fucking tired because for all i've spent of myself on trying to make people happy, my parents still hate each other, my brother still has his off days and my boyfriend still can't sleep at night. so just what am i doing really.